*deleted*

p.s. Just trying to be more anonymous…. otherwise this blog just isn’t going to be interesting enough!

Watch this video. I know a lot of people have said a lot of positive and negative things about the show. Maybe I’ll say something too, but later. And if I do say something, it will only be good. I think this show can do what it intends…

I’m usually very capricious, unfortunately. Not a quality I’m proud of, but there nevertheless! Consequently I don’t do a lot of things… I know I’ll abandon them midway and then feel bad about the time I spent (/wasted) on them.

So anway, I thought a lot before starting this blog and promised myself I’d do it for at least 21 days (I’ve heard if you do something for at least 21 days, it becomes a habbit) before I decided to give up. Maleeha kind of inspired me to begin this, she said she’d have a chance to know me better if I had a blog, so I thought a little bit and then said, why not? But then she went to Pakistan and she hasn’t even updated her own blog, let alone visit mine so I guess I’m kind losing motivation here but I think I’ll stick it out

I don’t really know Maleeha but when I read her blog, I was shocked at how much I could relate to this young woman I had never met. I was so touched by everything she said about her struggles and battles as a Muslim-Pakistani-American. But most of all I was moved by her candidness. She says all the things I only think about and don’t have courage to say. She says so often in her blog that she percieves herself as a shy and introvert person but to me she sounds so outgoing and open. She also talks a lot about her insecuirites which I think, many of us can relate to, but again, to me she sounds like a very fortified person. My prayers are with her and with all girls like her and like myself, who have left the sanctuary of not one but TWO homes; first Pakistan and then our parents’ homes.

Everyday when you don your scarf in a country where shame and morality are compromised for more seeminlgy attractive options, you begin a battle with yourself and with a culture you’re trying so hard to fit in somehow. Everyday when you step out of your door with your brown skin, you fight the urge to run back inside because you think everyone looks at you and thinks, “what are you doing in my country?”

For some of us, the trials are even harder. Some of us who left their entire lives behind them… families, friends and childhood dreams. Some of us who have to find out the hard way that people treat you differently when they know your parents don’t have your back anymore. And some of us who wonder if we’ll ever be able to live and breathe in an air which does not question our presence.

Some people tell me I’m needlessly patriotic, that this is all ‘book talk’. “What has your country ever given you anyway?” they ask and I say, “What hasn’t my country given me?”

My father always said that the worst kind of person is he who puts down what’s his own. He used to say that if someone castigates their own mother in a room full of people, who looks worst, his mother or he, himself? I agree. I think someone who abolishes the ties that bind them to the country that gave birth to them, then I’m sorry but I don’t have much respect for such a person. As a Pakistani, I know many people who don’t like to admit that Pakistan is their country of origin. And I say to myself, if you can’t be loyal to a country that has given you your identity in this world, then who can you be loyal to?

I know this whole entry is pretty incoherent, that’s ‘cuz I always get carried away when I talk about this stuff. Perhaps because I’m the daughter of an ex-Air Force officer who always told me that his uniform represented the fact that one should be prepared to give one’s life for one’s country…. that nothing, NOTHING can change the fact that you’re a Pakistani, be grateful to the country that has given you a place to belong. Yes, Pakistan isn’t perfect, but it’s MINE. 100% mine.

I may be fickle when it comes to hobbies but I’m anything BUT, when it comes to things I love. Then, I’m fiercly loyal.

If you’re wondering why I’m doing this it’s cuz the definition of ‘me’ is not complete without these people. They’re the best part of who I am and the shinniest part of my life…

1- My parents (of course! especially my darlingest Mama (who I miss soooo much!)

2- My husband (who’s really the nicEST, kindEST, MOST honorable man I have ever known.. mind you… I say I have ever ‘known’, I’ve heard of better men, I just don’t know if they exist!)

3 (a)- My facetious chacha and his wife (who’s probably the nicest woman I have ever known (or heard about!). They’re like my second parents.

3 (b)- My wonderful siblings… S (we go back a long way, we were the ‘first two’), Ash (my long sought sister), V (??) and bhaya.. who’s fulfilled my wish for an older brother and last but not least Dawn.. who’s too special a friend to just call a friend.. she’ like my sister, sometimes, even better!

5- My shweetie Dadi ma! (Allah give her a long and healthy life)

6- My other wonderful friends.. Mariam and Anam who’ve defied desi norm and upheld the good name of friendship despite getting married and having kids!

7- My wonderful cousins who’ve made life so much better for me here. They’re my only friends here and God bless them for being that!

8- And all the other people who make my world such a happy place!

I feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life, who love me for who and what I am… despite who or what I am! I always remember them all in my prayers as I hope they remember me

I don’t care much for this ‘new year’, ‘birthday’ etc. stuff. The only reason this new year could have been the most wonderful year of my life is no more. Yes, this was my due month… I’d have been preparing for the baby to arrive about now. Instead Allah has my child with Him.
I haven’t thought about the miscarriage in a while but I don’t think I have ever forgotten it either. When I lost the baby I remember someone said to me, “Don’t believe people when they say you’ll forget about it, you won’t.” Perhaps it wasn’t the most comforting thing to hear at the time but it was certainly the truest.

You never forget the child you could have had. It doesn’t matter that you hadn’t been trying for one, it doesn’t matter that the doctors say you’ll have more. Once you know that there is a little life growing inside of you, you fall in love with it regardless of anything else. You never forget the sight of that little beating heart on the monitor screen, and you never forget the moment you learnt that the beating is no more.

The only thing you can remember are the hopes and joys that had been born inside of you with the news of the child… the hopes and joys which were instantly crushed one day. Allah knows I’m not complaining, Allah knows I understood His motives (or submitted to them) from the first moment the doctor told me I won’t be having this baby. But I’m only human and I’m only remembering because I don’t think my baby wants me to forget him (I always thought of him as a boy.)

There’s a beautiful hadees I read at the time, “By Him in whose Hand is my life, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother towards the paradise, with his navel string if she had shown the patience for the sake of reward from Allah.”(Mu’adh b. Jabal reported on the authority of Allah’s Messenger s.a.w.)

This hadees was my lifeline when I had the miscarriage. It prevented me from falling into self-pity. How can one fall into despair when Allah promises them heaven for sabr, alhamduLilah?
Whenever someone would tell me they were sorry for me, I’d tell them this hadees and insist that I should be envied, not pittied. AlahamduLilah, I was so grateful for Allah that He gave me and my husband so much patience. I have seen people fall apart at such moments in their lives and I was so grateful to Allah for being with me.

Everyone kept saying to me to think about the future, that I’ll have more children inshaAllah. And for some reason that ‘consolation’ used to hurt me the most and then when I read this hadees, I thought, look Allahmian knows what’s the right thing to say, He hasn’t said, “I’ll give you more.” Instead He’s said, “I’ll give you heaven.” because then you think, whatever Allah does, He does for my ultimate good.

Thank you, Allah. I know You will protect my child better than I ever could have.