I’ll tell you all about the wedding in detail later.. for now suffice to say that all went well alhamduLilah and the couple are happily off to thier honeymoon in Thailand now.

What is really prevailing in my over-active brain is something else that happened today.. it so happened that one of my ooold school friend’s wedding also came up this weekend. I was chatting with her (on msn) back in England and she told me about her impending wedding… I thought wonderful.. now I can kill two birds with one stone.. as in attend her wedding too while I’m in Pakistan. She was also very persistant that I attend.. she and I used to be best friends at one point (long story) so I was really excited.. I also thought I’d get to see my old bunch. I was already thinking what I would wear.. haha.. now fast forward to today.. the actual wedding…

First of all.. not too many of my ‘old bunch’ showed up.. and the few that did didn’t seem half as excited to see me as I had hoped… in fact this one girl who I had always liked and hoped to renew friendship with, seemed arrogantly aloof and when she did talk to me, her tone was annoyingly condescending.. as if she was bestowing a great favor upon me by talking to me at all.. I think the main reason for that was that she had managed to remain Dia’s (the wedding friend) good friend whereas Dia and I had sort of drifted apart… despite her insistance that I attend her wedding… she wasn’t too excited to see me there.. she showed more excitement to see some other friends.. the sharp pain of disappoinment really caught me off-guard.. for some reason it really bothered me that I was there at the wedding but wasn’t really part of it… it seemed to me such a dream the years we had spent together.. I felt so far away from those times we’d hung out every single day, doing everything together, creating so many wonderful memories of our fresh youth….and now…?? Where had it all gone?? Were these my best friends at one time?? Why had we drifted apart so much..?? How come I was no longer a part of this group??

I felt so out of place and unfortunately so out-dated with my scarf and modest clothes…. I wished I hadn’t worn the scarf today.. it wouldn’t have mattered… I would have fit in better.. these girls wouldn’t have brushed me off like that.. we used to be such wonderful friends.. why were they treating me this way now?? I felt so grubby and old-fashioned… so insignificant and ugly….

And well later as the function got underway I realized why I didn’t belong with them.. and why we had drifted apart…. I began to realize slowly that when I see their tight-fitted clothes, their ‘open-minded’ lifestyles and their ‘modern’ ways.. I don’t judge them because they are/were my freinds.. I only see the memories we have as childhood friends and I feel a kinship toward them for the many years of friendship we share.. but when they see me, all they see is a ‘hijabi’ who is now too ‘old-fashioned’ and ‘paindu’ for their style.. who they inwardly fear will judge them and so their apparent indifference to me stems from fear… fear that I will judge them.. fear that I might be better than them in Allah’s eyes (though Allah knows I’d never think that)..

So I realized this and felt somewhat better.. especially when I realized that the people who are NOW my friends are wonderful people.. they are a true reflection of who I am.. they are true friends alhamduLilah for they have brought me closer to Allah and when I am with them, I feel proud of my scarf and proud of being ‘old-fashioned’… they love me as I am and they make me feel wonderful about myself.. not outdated and ugly..alhamduLilah.

Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be seeing any more of the ‘old bunch’.

Thanks everyone for reminding me that I forgot you..haha..

I believe it was Sadiyah’s first comment..no?

Umarah.. you should introduce yourself. Since you don’t have a blog, I don’t know much about you but feel free to tell us about yourself.

Loyal Blurkers.. you all should also step out of the crevices and introduce yourselves

So the mehndi was yesterday and it was a lot of fun.. we managed to make it man-free and dance quite a bit! The brother was very happy.. he’d been accusing me of idling about and not really doing ‘anything’ so I finally managed to appease him by doing my silly Kajra Re dance.. haha.. my sister was so good.. she danced on Lal Ghagra by herself and she and our cousin joined me on Kajra Re. Mama also danced with us afterwards so at least we ended up looking like we did something! Usually no one from our family dances cuz of what ‘people’ will say..haha..

I’m surprised at myself.. I’ve never danced in my life before but once I took this on… I really didn’t do too badly..haha…

Oh and I wore my wedding lehnga and NO ONE called me fat!! Hahaha!! I think I’ve gone back to a weight that I look ok with.. still a lot to lose but at least I’m not feeling ugly anymore! AlhamduLilah! Now there’s a happy ending for you

For all you fashion buffs.. the bride was wearing a dull peach (almost tea-pink) saree.. I thought it was an unusual color for a mehndi but she looked pretty mashaAllah. Everyone thought she should have worn something brighter since she has an olive complexion and bright colors really bring out her coloring but she looked nice nevertheless.

We’re all really looking forward to tonight when we’ll be able to bring the bride home, inshaAllah. I’m gonna set the room for her so she’s nice and comfy.. I think I’m gonna buy a whole bunch of rose petals and other flowers and decorate the room nicely and perhaps the house as well… it’s so exciting!!

Ok guys.. will update you more after the wedding inshaAllah.. be prepared to be bored with details!!! Hahha..

Hope you all are good… just wanted to check in and update you a little bit. I’ve been shopping a lot and hubby arrived yesterday so shopping for him too.

InshaAllah the wedding is only two days away now. Me and my sister are trying to prepare some dances for the wedding. Hopefully, we can have a men-free environment so we can actually show the fruit of our toils. Haha. My sister (15-years-old) has a great penchant for dancing and singing.. she can really carry some tunes and some smooth moves.. haha.. I guess she could have better talents but at least she never sings or dances in inapropriate circumstances.

Anyways, I wanted to tell you guys that I’ve lost 4lbs alhamduLilah.. its not much but it’s enough to encourage me. I’ve been excercising and eating very moderately and following a lot of good advise I got from all of you and from the girls on the forum. I’ve been getting some heartening praise now, alhamduLilah Now if only I can keep it up, inshaAllah.

I’m mad at the Mohsin Sons dude for messing up my sari.. arrrrghhh… the kaam he did on it is very nice but he messed up the blouse fitting. Hopefully he can fix it.. I paid freakin $120 for it..

I shopped for some great shoes at ECS.. such pretty ones!

Um.. what else.. I’m still feeling a little low about some things but inshaAllah I will acquire patience and courage.

Hope you all are good.

I’m sorry I haven’t been reading any of your blogs but I’m really bereft of time. In the mean time, can I say some stuff to my favorite readers?

Sobia.. hope you’re good and the summer isn’t too hot.

Believer.. hope your problems are on their way to being solved inshaAllah.

Pyari.. you’re very sweet. I hope you’re dealing well with your issues and being brave like you always tell me to

Cheeso.. why did you restrict your blog entrance and didn’t invite me?

Enyur.. I’m missing your fun comments over here.. haha..

Ash.. hope you’re doing good.

Ok.. let me know if I left out anyone

Love and prayers.

When I suffered from clinical depression about six months ago, I tried many things to help myself heal; I started seeing a therapist… I took medication… I visited my family etc. etc., all the obvious things. None of them worked though. I continued to feel as if nothing really mattered anymore.

At some point, during this dark time, I met an old friend who was married and had a son. She was the person who had originally introduced me to Islam.. the real Islam, not the warped version desis usually propagate. Anyway, we had a wonderful time together and the one thing that struck me about her was her obvious peace with herself and her life. She played with her son so candidly.. what I mean is that her laughter seemed to reverbeate from somewhere deep within her soul.. it didn’t seem faked to please her son. She was so happy with him and he in turn was such a happy child, mashaAllah.

There might be nothing extraordinary about the afore-mentioned scene except the fact that this friend’s husband is a complete jerk. Her relationship with him is non-existant… their conversation is limited to him inquiring about his food and clothing.. not even “did you have a nice day?” … MashaAllah she is such an advocate of Allah’s word and teaches in a renowned Islamic school where she graduated from in top position. Back in univeristy, she was the smartest girl in the class.. ended up getting a gold medal and the highest GPA.. her name carved in golden words on a plaque on the Univertsity wall. Yet her husband only every degrades her, treats her like she was devoid of all thought and feeling. She perseveres in this adversity with unflinching faith.. never complaining about him, never whining about her fate.

The worst part is that her parents forced her into this marriage. Her father (who is actually very loving and kind) told her that this guy was best for her.. that with time she’d come to like to him. She repeatedly told him that she didn’t want to marry this man and yet her father forced her to go through for his own selfish reasons (the boy was her father’s brother’s son and her father thought that as his nephew, he would help with the business and be the son he never had.) Needless to say, he turned out to be so inadept that he couldn’t even take care of his own affairs, let alone help my friend’s disillusioned father. When her father slowly began to realize the grave injustice he had done his daughter, he apologised to her profusely; beeseching her to forgive him and she, with all her patience and goodness, assured him it wasn’t his mistake, that this was fate!

How can someone be so sublimely patient, mashaAllah? How can someone remain so positive when faced with such cruel circumstances?

So as I saw her sitting there, playing with her son as if she was the happiest woman alive, I asked her how she managed to keep the bitterness out of her heart.. how she managed not to weep over her fate… and she smiled and said.. “Happiness comes from inside you, sweetie.. not from anyone or anything outside. I have Allah.. He is my happiness … I have never depended on anyone else for my happiness and I’ve always had it!” To you, it might sound cliche in this black and white version, but to me, it was the answer I had been looking for so desperatly..

From then onward… I began to find way back out of that bleak tunnel of despair. Whenever I thought of her fortitude and forbearance, I felt ashamed of my own comparatively meagre troubles. Granted that the thing that had finally sent me over the edge was not so insignificant (the miscarriage) but it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and take my life back. When I went back to America, I did just what she had told me; I looked for the happiness inside myself instead of searching for it elsewhere.. I began to change my own attitude instead of expecting other people to change theirs. I can not boast of any perfect happy endings but I can tell you that before I knew it, I found myself enjoying life again and taking pleasure in the small joys that life is full of, alhamduLilah.

The whole point of this post was to save myself from going into that state of ungratefulness whose inevitable result is depression. No matter how great my grief is, and no matter how poignant it seems to me, someone somewhere certainly has a bigger grievance than mine and alhamduLilah, I should be greatful just for that. And I think, I am.

Allah je, please lift this weight from my heart.
Don’t place upon me a burden greater than what I can bear.
Please make me see only my blessings.
Please remove all bitterness from my heart.
Make me forgive and forget.
Make me find happiness from inside myself.
Once again.
Amen!

Sometimes life becomes so confusing… so complicated.. you feel like a veil just lifted over your hazy eyes and you can now see something you never saw before.. and those things scare the crap out of you…

All I know is that I’m terrified of plummeting headfirst into that dark, vacant hole again.. and I feel dangerously close to it once again.. like I’m teetering at the brink again.. the gaping darkness beckoning to my soul once again.

Sometimes I think I have so many demons to battle within me.. sometimes I think I get too tired being bubbly and bright all the time. I don’t know. I just know that I have too many issues.. I wish I didn’t… I wish I could cleanse my soul of every bitterness that resides within my sick heart because I think it’s eating away at me like cancer.

I’m scared. I really am. I wish I could tell you more but I can’t do that without compromising other people’s faith in me. Maybe I will tell you a little bit one of these days but right now I just want your prayers.