I’ve been thinking for the past year or so that marriage has made me very brash. I’m no longer so naive and forthcoming as I once was. For a long time I was mourning this lack of innocence, and thinking, I’m not ‘nice’ anymore; I’m too quick to answer people back for I’ve learnt that if you don’t, they’ll think you’re spineless and can be stepped all over; I’m too diplomatic, I often rerserve judgement and advice for fear of being rebuffed; I’m too pragmatic and often completely dismiss emotion to ward off future disappointments (in other words, I no longer trust anyone for anything) and yada yada yada…

So I wasn’t feeling so good about myself. I was beating myself up for becoming too cold and practical and where it was serving me wonderfully in one way, in other ways, I missed my own
warmth. However, ever since my bhabhi (brother’s wife) has come into our lives, I’ve realized that the marriage which has made me so pragmatic, has also added a new dimension of understanding and emapthy to my personality which I would have acquired no other way.

I worry so much for her happiness and well-being in this house that I sometimes forget that my brother and parents have some rights too!! I don’t wanna get into all the details cuz I think I already discussed that facet of the situation, about how I want her to be treated with love and respect etc., but I do wanna say that my friend said something very sweet to me the other day when she witnessed one of my ‘defense schemes’ for my SIL, my friend said, “You know, Allah up there is watching how concerned you are about this girl’s happiness and I’ll be surprised if He Himself doesn’t become the protector of your happiness now!”

Wasn’t that sweet? I never thought of it that way… I mean there’s nothing wrong with expecting mercy from Allah as a reward for being merciful to His creatures but I honestly never thought of treating my SIL any other way. I don’t mean to sound like I’m tooting my own horn but I’m only saying all this because inshaAllah I hope to inspire someone with these words. And also because this forced me to realize that I shouldn’t always be beating myself up about everything… that yes, marriage has made me somewhat less quixotic but it’s ok… I’m still me, I still have the good heart Allah gave me. I so love this girl who’s come into our home, I feel so protective towards her, I want so despreately for her to have all her rights, I want so much for all of us to overlook her unintentional follies and love her like the other two daughters of this house, inshaAllah. And above all, I’m grateful to Allah for making me this kind of a person, capable of all this because I’m always deploring myself, always berating myself, for once, it’s good to be able to look myself in the eyes, alhamduLilah.

As for the bhabhi herself, she is a very wonderful person, mashaAllah. She’s my namesake too!! Hehe.. anyway she is very sweet and loving. To be honest, she’s not difficult to love at all. She’s so open and friendly that she has really inspired me to become a better daughter-in-law! She calls both my parents what we call them (Mama and Papa), she always hugs everyone when coming in and going out, since I’m here for a visit and going back soon, she always asks me to join her and my brother whenever they go out (though I don’t always accept), well in fact she asks everyone and even if she didn’t we wouldn’t love her any less and any one of us rarely actually goes anywhere with the couple, but it’s a nice gesture from her.

I won’t say she serves us food, cleans the kitchen, sweeps the floors and massages my mother’s feet because she doesn’t and won’t have to either inshaAllah. She spends a lot of time in her room and since she goes to work, we don’t see her too much but it’s all good. I’m only saying this cuz I don’t want you all to think I’m praising her cuz she’s the ‘perfect desi bahoo’ … she isn’t that and we don’t want her to be that.. whatever that is.. but she is loving and considerate and I think she deserves all our love and affection just because she’s now our family member; I admit that it would have been harder to be nice to her if she was like Safa’s Algerian SIL, hehe.. but nevertheless, she isn’t and hopefully she doesn’t think we are (evil).. haha..

These days I’m working on thinking positive again, inshaAllah. I push out all the bad thoughts as soon as they venture anywhere near my over-active brain. This of course is in preparation for my impending return back to USA.

So my husband went back last Sunday (13th May) and I have another week or so to go. My bhabi was asking me if I miss my ‘home’ back in America and I shook my head vehemently without even having to think. This is a huge challenge for me; accepting America as my home. I think the biggest hurdle in my acceptance is that I feel that America doesn’t consider ME its citizen and probably never will (the immigration process is such a pain)… how then can I ever think of it as my home? Then there is the fact that Pakistan is my home, it’s where I was born and raised and taught everything I know. Everything I am today is because of my country; I’m too fiercely loyal to ever call any other place my home. Should I change this thinking of mine? Are those people better than me who move to America and feel shame remembering that they were born in Pakistan? They certainly don’t seem to suffer from the kind of emotional wreckage that I do… are they better off? Am I too deep for my own good? Do I think too much about things?

*Sigh*

Anyway, I guess that’s something I’m always going to struggle with. Moving on, I was telling you that I’m trying to think positively about my life. I’m trying to concentrate on my blessings rather than the difficulties. You must be thinking: ok what’s this all about. I guess the reason I’ve never said anything here is because it involves other people and I’m just afraid I’ll hurt someone’s feelings by saying something here… these are the times when I wish Blogger would wake up and smell WordPress’s coffee. Haha. Well honestly, there is no big tragedy, alhamduLilah. I just have a few people in America (read relatives) who are perhaps very kind and good and I just fail to see their kindness for what it is. I’m sure the problem lies within me, I should be more accommodating, more open to advice and more… patient. That’s why I always, always pray to Allah to give me a bigger, better heart inshaAllah.

The problem is that I’ve grown up with a very special brand of adults and alhamduLilah words couldn’t begin to describe their kindness to me and this is the kind of kindness which is very easy to comprehend! More specifically I talk about my Uncle and Aunt (from England, remember? My father’s brother and his wife)… I guess it’s unfortunate for my relatives in America that I have such an exceptionally wonderful relationship with my Uncle because of which they were really up against some unbeatable contest. I’ve never been around too many adults (except my uncles) because when I was growing up, my father never let us (siblings) get too social, we were never allowed to stay at cousins’ places etc. so we ended up spending a very sheltered life. Now after I got married, I was suddenly bombarded with a whole lot of family and family politics which really took my breath away… I’m sure no one meant to be unkind to me but I was just really really spoilt having grown up in a home where all the adults (my father’s family) adored me and doted on me. To this day I share a very special bond with my uncles and aunts and they all treat me like their daughter… no politics, no nothing… just a whole lot of fun and love alhamduLilah.

So you see my problem? That’s why I say I’m sure the problem lies completely within my own messed up head and everyone else in America is just being their normal, grown-up relative self. Whatever. Nevertheless, I’ve had a difficult time these past three years… and these problems have contributed towards making me feel alienated in my new “homeland”. I don’t have one single person there that’s on ‘my side’… I don’t even have any friends to take my mind off stuff from time to time. When I’m there, I feel so terribly alone. I’ve always been super-sensitive so I’m sure I take things to heart which were never meant to be taken as such. My husband is very kind and supportive alhamduLilah but he is emotionally very strong, he is rarely bothered by anyone outside himself and I really don’t think he understands where I’m coming from despite trying very hard. He just keeps telling me to ignore things, to not be so sensitive, to not take heed of what anyone says or does but I am who I am and I doubt if I’m about to change any time soon.

So I hope it makes better sense now what I meant by saying that I’m trying to think positive, inshaAllah. I’m trying to convince myself of everything I just told you, that no one means me any harm, that I’m just overly sensitive and I need to get over my spoilt self, and that I can survive with just one person (my husband) who actually knows me and I don’t need anyone else.

Ok, you know what I meant by that? ‘Only one person who knows me’? I just meant that all those people are really nice, they’re just not my kind! When I’m around them, I feel like I have to be someone I’m not.. I have to shut out my real thoughts and feelings.. I have to think several times before I say anything and well, it all gets tiring. Acting, acting and some more acting. After a while it all just gets really tiring and I just wanna run away!!!! Oh dear! I don’t wanna think like this…. inshaAllah I’m gonna be fine….. haina? Why am I like this? Why do I think about things so much? *sigh*

P.S. Do any of you think if anyone who “knows” me reads this will be hurt? Should I delete this?

So finally I have some time.. haha.. it’s been so crazy busy… expect a completely incoherent post now because I have so many thoughts I wanna share with you.

Ok so the wedding day itself wasn’t the best day… mainly cuz it was the “girl’s” function.. as in they had arranged it and for some reason they decided to do the whole nikah thing with only a few people present so the rest of us had to be told by random people that our brother/son was now a married man! I liked the way we did mine.. on the stage with the microphone so everyone could see and hear what was happening. I mean isn’t the nikah ceremony the ONE real Islamic ‘tradition’ in the whole entire desi wedding otherwise infested with Hindu traditions? Do we have to hide in a room while we fulfill the Islamic obligation? I don’t know…

Anyway, so then the bride came and she looked so pretty mashaAllah.. she wore a lovely lehnga in shades of red and champagne. I will post the pictures at some point.. so the brother and SIL sat together and looked so lovely mashaAllah.. I couldn’t believe this handsome young man is my silly, obnoxious brother .. haha.. Me and hubby went home a little before the rukhsati so we could make the house a little presentable for the bride.. I’d actually bought a ton of rose petals and I lay them in the bride’s path.. so to speak… haha.. So they came and sat together while most of the extended family sat around them.. staring at them and all.. haha.. how awkward! Anyway, eventually we took them to the hotel where they were supposed to stay for two nights. It was actually the same hotel (the best in the country!) me and hubby stayed at when we got married.. hmm.. brought back some lovely memories… I gave the SIL the best advice I could think of: “Today is the beginning of the best time you’ll ever have inshaAllah so try to enjoy it the best you can…” She smiled her little cute smile (for she does have a gorgeous smile) and nodded.

So that’s that… I think the valima function was actually more fun.. not just cuz it was OUR party but because we did a few different things to make it interesting for the guests. AlhamduLilah the best thing was that it didn’t rain and the weather was perfect for an outdoor function. Ok so the bride looked lovely once again.. this day she wore a combination of baige and sky blue (ferozi). This combo is actually very popular these days and you could see why.. it looked so beautiful. The brother actually broke tradition and instead of wearing a western suit, he wore another suit.. apparently it’s called The Prine Suit, it was black with some gold embroidery on the seams. He looked so regal and sophisticated mashaAllah. The reason he didn’t wear a regular suit was that his vocation (banking) demands him to wear one of those every single day and he wanted something different on such a special day.
Ok so what we did a little different, which I know is nothing too unusual, was hook up the video camera with a multimedia projector. This allowed us to project the camera’s view live up on the big screen. I think people were excited to see themselves up on there.. haha.. and the best part was that when the bride and groom came, we completely darkened the entire hall and we had the spotlight on the couple as they walked in slowly… I had soft background music and the whole scene was just fabulous and like I said, added a unique touch. Furthermore, I had prepared a slide show for the couple featuring pictures of thier engagement. Oh but the best part was the slideshow of the brother’s life from childhood through adulthood.. it included pictures with family and friends and had the song ‘Apna Pun’ (Jawad Ahmed) playing in the background.. I think everyone loved it and the brother was very happy.

PHEW

I think that’s all I can do right now. I wanna tell you more about what’s it like to have a Bhabhi (SIL) and what she’s like. Also, me and hubby went up into the mountains (Swat) and I wanna tell you how beautiful it all was. I have breathtaking pictures of our trip….. can’t wait to share.
I hope you all will stick around….