I can’t begin to say how happy I am for you… I know you’ll just make the lovliest bride in the world!! And you can’t know how it breaks my heart that I won’t be able to see you… I had no idea it would be this hard.. but it is… my heart just aches and aches and doesn’t stop. I keep wondering what you’ll look like, what you’ll do and say and feel…… what would I have done had I been there with you… *sigh* this is the saddest thing ever…. that I can’t be with you but please know that you’re in my heart and all day I’m gonna think of you and pray for you and be very very happy for you! I’m almost as happy today as i was on my own wedding day! We’ve come a long way to be here.. haven’t we? Lots and lots of love, sweetheart….. sometimes I forget you’re not my sister.. that I only met you and wasn’t born knowing you and loving you cuz that’s sure as hell how it feels. *sniff sniff* Can I tell you that I always felt so pleased whenever people used to mistake us for sisters? Not that I’m anywhere near as pretty as you but still… you’re the one perfect joy of my life… the one person who has always stood by me and always loved me where others faltered… thank you so much for being the sweet, darling thing that you are! Take care always and may Allah shower you with happiness like you’ve never seen before! Amen! And a million trillion hugs!

P.S. She really is the most beautiful person I know. Inside and out. I have no idea how I came to be so lucky but she is the one person who’s friendship has kept me sane over the years, who’s love and loyality have chased away my deep, dark insecurities and assured me that I’m worthy of love, after all.

Another 15 people dead. What can I say? What can anyone say?

Dil jaisay mar sa gaya ho…
Ansoo jaisay gum sai gaye hon…
Har dum dil sai dua hee nikalti hai…
Ya Allah, sab ko apnay hifz-o-amaan main rakh…ameen.

I’ve had a few hits on this page despite the lack of my own hit so I apologise to those who come here looking for something new to read and don’t find it. I also wake up every day with the same idea; that there will be something new today but alas, no luck. In any case, I haven’t entirely given up on my life yet and so please, you don’t give up on me.

I wish I could tell you how the volunteer position has breathed fulfillment into my previously stale life but sadly, I have no such good news for you. The volunteer opportunity is perhaps a step up from having a completely useless life that I did before but it is really not as liberating as I had thought. That might have something to do with the fact that this particular position does not really require too much of my abilities, if indeed I have any. All I really do is entertain a bunch of regular kids who, by American standards, might be low-income but by the rest of the average world’s standard are still pretty damned well off. I guess that’s not a very good attitude to have as a volunteer but sometimes their impertinence gets the better of me. I guess I should take this as a positive sign – if they’re just as er… high-energy as the usual kids then the low-income mustn’t be bothering them too much, right? Haha. Anyway, I guess if nothing else, then this position will count for some experience at some point. At any rate, I have met a couple of really nice ladies who are fun to chat with and the day goes by faster.

On other fronts, I’m a little alarmed by the rapidly increasing number of medicine bottles at my night-stand. Instead of solving any of my medical problems, my doctors just keep prescribing me more and more medicines and now I have so many that I have difficulty keeping track of what to take when. At some point I was reflecting over this problem and I realized, well what did I expect? Do doctors really care about me? About what’s wrong with me and how we can fix it without profiting the already wealthy pharmaceutical companies? I’ve met several doctors over the past month or so and not a single one of them has anything more to me to say then a new prescription. I mean I’m all for modern science and medicines and all but I refuse to believe that all a doctor owes me is a prescription. I don’t know why I feel so disillusioned with the medical world but I really do. For some strange reason, I’ve always been in awe of doctors because that’s one profession I could never be (the sight of blood makes me faint – literally) but now, I feel jaded. I swear I diagnosed myself better and quicker than the doctors and I have the gall to tell myself what they can’t; that if I lost some weight, I’d be a whole let better. Every thing I’ve read on the internet about my problems indicates that, so how come not one single doctor has said that to me? If there are any doctors reading this, I’m sorry but I feel really disillusioned. Maybe some of you out there still care about your patients but I haven’t found you yet.

Anyway, I’m reading Harry Potter and loving it. I’m only half-way through the book cuz I like to savor a good book like a good meal so it lasts longer and ‘tastes’ better. Haha.

Mmm… what else? I’ve noticed that I hate talking on the phone now. It’s like I’ve convinced myself that if I don’t talk to my family and friends back home, I’ll forget they exist and somehow it will hurt less. It’s not really working yet but it might. Sometimes the pain is so sudden and intense that my eyes well up without warning… has that ever happened to you? I’m driving merrily, thinking what a lovely day it is and this sharp pain stabs through my heart; dismanteling all the joy I had conjured up and making my eyes burn with hot tears. It’s very disconcerting, that; when you’re trying to be all brave and stuff and you sort of crumble suddenly. Not fun. Not fun at all.

A sweet friend recently asked me why I sound so terribly sad on my blog and I told her it’s because I am sad. I’m trying to be happy and the day I succeed, the whole face of this blog is going to change, inshaAllah. I promise.

P.s. Sobia, I miss your comments (I know she’s busy but still)

In case someone hasn’t noticed; I never blog about political issues. It’s not because I’m one of those ditzy women who’s knowledge span begins from the color of thier nail polish and ends on the color of their toe-nail. Er… my apologies to such women who by the way, despite their lack of grey cells almost always possess very kind hearts; I know a few myself and love them dearly. Anyway, not to digress, I was saying I never talk about politics and such because rather than being blissfully ignorant, I’m actually a bit too over-informed and therefore, too passionate about my politics. I always get fiercly over-worked when I’m into one of those political arguments and then, well then, it doesn’t do anyone any good.

However, I just have to say something about the current situation in Islamabad. Even so, I’m not going to make any political statements. I just wanted to voice my concern. After all, it is the city I was born and raised in; the city where 99% of my beloved still dwell and where, even as we speak, my heart resides.

Islamabad has never been a violent city. In fact, it used to be called the ‘dead city’ which ironically, I wish it could be called now. Fat chance. All sorts of wierd things are going on there. I’m not even going to try and debate the situation or present my views on it because frankly, I think it’s all just insane. It makes no sense. Everyone is against everyone. I don’t even understand what all of it is about, what is the ulterior motive here – it’s all just terribly terribly tragic and sad. Innocent people are being killed and hurt and no one even knows why! What is it all for? Who is it all for? I’m just at a loss for words and I can’t tell you how my heart aches for my poor city.

The other day there was a bomb explosion in a plaza which is a walk away from my parents’ house. My mom told me she heard the blast and it shook the windows and the doors. She said she instantly knew it was a bomb and that people were probably hurt. One of those people could have been my brother who hangs out in that plaza with his friends all the time. Or it could have been my father whose office is in that plaza. AlhamduLilah, no one I know was hurt but 16 people were killed and many injured. Who is next? Where and when? I don’t want to know the asnwers. Not now. Not ever.

Someone said to me the other day that I should be grateful that I’m not in Islamabad. That I’m safe. More than anything else, I felt sorry for that person’s intellect when they made that statement. I’d rather be in Islamabad right now than here, a million times over. How can I sit here feeling smug about my safety when my family is in the throes of violence? How can I relish this safety of distance which keeps me worried sick all the time? I know it wouldn’t have helped my family if I was there but at least I wouldn’t be sitting here clicking ‘refresh’ on geo news all the time, waiting to read about the next bout mass murders.

Update: It looks like at least one of the matters has been resolved. Let’s see if this invokes any more suicide bombers, God forbid.

My headaches/migraines are giving me hell. I get one every single day. No holidays. It’s this dull, persistent ache that impedes my very life and sucks the joy out of everything…not that there was much joy to begin with.

My new doctor is a somewhat interesting lady… she has drawn blood from my drained forearm three times, has done one ultra sound once and has asked me numerous questions and is still undecided about what I have, exactly. Today she presented me with a rather outrageous idea which I don’t want to pen down for the mere sake of invoking bad luck. She has invited me yet again, for yet another blood drawing and will probably refer me to yet some more sonograms or things of that nature. Let’s see where all of this goes. If I get some answers at the end of all of this then my endless trips to the hospital would have been worth it. I mean, I didn’t get that volunteer position at the hospital but it sure is beginning to feel like home anyway.

If you find time for me in your prayers, I’ll be very grateful. JazakAllah.

I think I have bipolar disorder. Sometimes I have nothing to say for days and then suddenly I have so much to say. Let me organize my wayward thoughts into a neat pile (yes, I also suffer from Obssessive Compulsive Disorder)…

1- I think something is seriously amiss when a young, healthy woman like myself finds no joy in shopping and in fact shirks from the possibility of having to go to the mall. I need to buy clothes for pete’s sake! I wear the same pants every day but I still feel no desire to go to the mall AT ALL!!

2- Reading used to be one of the biggest joys of my life. Plopping down with a deliciously yummy mystery and some equally yummy food used to be my favorite passtime… now… I haven’t finished reading a book for ages. I just don’t have the patience anymore. Which disorder is that?

3- I should be more excited that Harry Potter is coming out but I’m trying to elude the fact that I no longer read. I just confronted it for the first time in the preceding point.

4- My BFF (best friend forever) is getting married later this month and try as I may, I can’t convince myself that it doesn’t matter that I’ve waited ten years for this day and won’t be there when it finally materializes.

5- Things with the other friend look like they’ll turn out ok, inshaAllah. She finally responded to my emails and said we should give it another try so some good news there. Yaay.

6- The volunteer thingy is good. Some children are difficult. I know I’m going to have a hard time with some of them but I’m not one to quit, inshaAllah.

Ok I’m actually gonna go out now and attempt to shop. These pants need to be washed. Yuck.

This is in response to the e-mail I sent me ex-Professor and now friend, J, informing him of my decision to give up the pursuit of writing as a career. I also mentioned that UCP* did not accept me and that this rejection probably helped me shape that decision.
Dear Marigold*,
The issue with writing is not whether or not YOU are good enough. I mean, what does, “I’m not good enough” mean? Who exactly are you trying to be good enough for??? UCP* might be a decent school, but it’s really full of a different bunch of douche bags anyway. In CBC* (where he taught me) most people were pretty stupid. UCP* they might have their brains together a bit better, but ultimately it’s just a different breed of stupid. You don’t really need a bunch of professors with their heads up their asses to judge your work. Because, you see, Marigold*, art is art. If you write something that you love then you’ve “succeeded.” I just heard an interview with an author who wrote five novels that he never published because – to him – they were just warm ups for his sixth novel that was published and opened all the doors aspiring young writers dream of having open. He said that the first five were necessary for him to “get to the sixth.”I hope you don’t believe that you need some writing degree to actually write. Look at me, I have nothing published, but actually have a lot of things written. Are they any good? I like many of them. Plus there’s lots more that I consider crap that I’ve discarded. But, again, none are published. So, my point is that one doesn’t write to be good enough. One just writes when one wants to write. When an idea needs to be written it will. You get it down, and then go back to it when it’s time to tighten it up.Plus how are you ever going to become “good enough” if you don’t start somewhere? My main point, is that I hope you don’t think you’re less of something because of UCP*. Ultimately, all UCP* can do for you is give you a piece of paper to hang on a wall. You don’t even know if they’ll actually teach you anything.

*names and places have been changed to protect the identity of the afore-mentioned.

There’s so much I wanna tell you but my heart is not in it. I just feel so incredibly crappy, I can’t even tell you.

It strikes me again and again how alone I am. How I wish I could run to someone’s loving arms and dissolve into their familiar comfort! There’s the husband, yes, but sometimes we need someone else; a mother? a brother? a childhood friend? I don’t know… someone true and tried because all the new people make you feel like crap. You want old. Old is home. Home is where I want to be.

My good friend and fellow blogger Muse said something on her blog today which made me wanna cry because it was exactly what I want a friend to understand. She said, “Pain is the flip side of love. There’s no love where there is no pain, because pain springs from caring about the injustice that love sometimes causes. If one is indifferent towards the injustice of the beloved, one is not truly in love. The opposite of love is truly indifference and not hate, because hate still implies concern, and where there is concern there is at least the shadow of love.”

I have a friend who I dearly love and she did something which really hurt me… I’m sure she didn’t do it intentionally and that’s why I decided to go ahead and tell her how her actions affected me. I wrote her an email in which I tried to subtly indicate that she had hurt me and that I felt lost and confused and didn’t know what to do. I thought she’d see that I was hurt because she meant that much to me… because I cared. I thought we’d talk about it and sort it out but instead she got really mad at my email and thought I was accusing her of being a bad friend, which I promise you, I wasn’t….. I was really hurt when I wrote that email and I probably said a lot of really confused things but I don’t recall accusing her of anything, in fact I remember saying that it was all probably my fault for holding on to something that I should forget about. I don’t know why she got so mad at me and I just feel like crap….. I tried talking to her again but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know… maybe she never wants to talk to me again. I don’t know… maybe she thinks I’m a complete loser. Maybe I am.

This is why I never want to make another friend… I’m not sure I can deal with the pain that comes with it. I wish I didn’t get so affected by things… but I do… I’m so fierce with all my feelings… love, hate, pain, joy…. I hate this ferocity… I wish I had a more balanced personality. I struggle so much with it all the time… I just wish I wasn’t capable of feeling this kind of intense pain. I wish I didn’t have this heart. I wish I could wish it away…

It’s like I forgot I have a blog! Sheesh! Wonder if the blog forgot me too…
I finally managed to find a place to volunteer, alhamduLilah. It’s an organization that helps homeless people in various ways. I chose to help them with the kids rather than the adults- just cuz I think I’m good with kids. There’s a whole bunch of interesting stuff on the board for the week and I’ll definitely let you all know what happens on Monday; that’s my first day.
On other fronts, we spent the weekend at my in-laws. I was being nice and suggested to the husband that he should spend some time with his family. He sort of shrugged when I said that, as if to say, ‘Ok, if you insist’… like he couldn’t care less if he never saw his family again. People, that’s why we all need daughters! InshaAllah, Allah is listening!
On yet other fronts, me and husband are looking for a condo to buy – we pay a ridiculous amount of rent and are often told we should paying the same amount in mortgage. I agree. We’re looking for a place to buy now but since we live in one of the most affluent areas of the state, the prices are through the roof and all we seem to be able to afford is a 1 room/ 1 bath condo…!! That sucks! We need at least 1 extra bedroom for hubby’s junk and his family’s nights over. If anyone has any tips on home-buying, be my guest!
Oh and also, on Friday I spent the day at my cousin’s pool party. Her inlaws have this HUGE mansion (you gotta love rich relatives) with this AWESOME pool and so she often invites friends over for food and swimming. We did just that for the entire day on Friday and it was just great fun! My swimming is getting better! When can I get rich and buy a house like that? And how did my cousin strike lucky and get the cutest son in the world AND filthy rich in-laws? The other day she was complaining about her in-laws getting on her nerves and I thought, hey, if my in-laws had a house like that and let me use it like that, I’d so totally accept all the BS from them!
MashaAllahm mashaAllah!! It’s much much easier to suck up to rich relatives, no? Haha.. kidding guys!
Ok drop me a line if some of you are still reading this crap….ok? Just so I know I’m not talking to myself here…. hmm….. would that be so bad though?
Oh and I had this bright idea… I have a bunch of really neat stuff that I got from Pakistan. I wanted to put it up on ebay but you have to make an account and everything so I thought, why not upload pictures here and advertise to my blurkers? What do you people think? Is that a dumb dumb idea? I dunno…. I’m just really into retail.. at some point I wanna do my own import business inshaAllah….I’m really full of it tonight, aren’t I? Well too bad for you all I can dream whatever!! Papa always says, “If you wanna do big, THINK big” so well, I think BIG!! haha.. at some point I have to give you instances where I thought big and it really paid off, alhamduLilah so inshaAllah….. who knows???????

I’ve had one too many,
I think I’ll pass now.
Let instead
my darkness drown me.
I think I will have
one good cry,
Dipped in some sobs.
Perhaps I’ll throw in
a sad song or two.
Here let me
turn my phone off.
No small talk,
Just big tears.
And
I don’t need any words of comfort,
Which is good;
It’s good not to need
what you can’t have.

I say tonight…
“Let me alone,
Let me be,”
There is no one
to say that to.
But I like to say
things like that.
Make me feel
better.