I was watching the Oprah show today and they were talking about happiness. There was something sweet about having my own findings ascertained; that you don’t go pursuing happiness, it’s already inside you.

This British author was on there who was saying some pretty smart things which again; I had already figured out by myself. Not to undermine him or anything, but I felt grateful for the fact that I was on the right path.

Somehow good things have a way of finding you when you decide you’re ready to let them find you! Look at me, all this time I was convinced that I’m never gonna find a friend, I’m always gonna be lonely and if you rememeber, when I came back from Pakistan, I vowed this time would be different. And it is. I’ve been back for almost three months now and I haven’t had a single break-down! (Well maybe one teensy weensy bit of tantrum but I think it was very justified! haha) And I’ve found some lovely friends, alhamduLilah!

I think the key is not to associate your happiness with anything outside of yourself; if I buy a house, I’ll be happier, if my husband treats me better, I’ll be happier, if all those people stop annoying me, I’ll be happier and so on. I think you can find happiness despite all the negatives in your life; you just have to sift out the positives and cling to them for dear happiness!

I believe in closure. I believe that what goes around comes around. For the times that I’ve been wronged, I’ve believed that I’m gonna get closure, and I have gotten it. And that’s what I tell people when they tell me someone has caused them grief, I tell them to wait and they’ll have their day inshaAllah. It doesn’t mean you’re wishing anyone any ill but all I pray for is to find my peace with conflicting situations and alhamduLilah, I do find it. Eventually.

It’s taking me some time to find peace with living here, understanding why Allah has chosen this life for me where I can’t do the things I love or the things I dreamed of but deep down I know what’s really holding me back are my fears. In the dark recesses of my heart, I think I doubt if I can ever be any good for anything and so this is a good excuse to pass myself off as a failure: I couldn’t make my life productive because I never got the opportunity. I think I need to get off my ass here and make those opportunities. I promise you today that I’m gonna do just that: I’m gonna fight off this urge to accept this impotent situtaion for fear that I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna really try now… really try to hunt down some possibilites… inshaAllah….. if I fail, at least I’d have tried and that might make me a loser but I’ll be a fighting loser, not a cowardly one.

Isn’t it strange how some memories stick in your head and recur from time to time? I always think it’s because they have some kind of mysterious significance; something for me to learn and that’s why my subconscious has retained them.

When I was small (about 6 or 7), I was terrified of the dark. As soon as my dad would say, “On your beds, children!”, I would begin to panic with fright. Once tucked in my bed, I couldn’t sleep at all. The shadows would take on various morbid shapes, the slightest sound would get my heart racing and I would just lay there with the blanket clutched tightly up to my chin. Eventually I’d ask my brother if he was still awake and he’d mumble sleepily from the upper bunk that he was not. Sometimes I’d go and sit outside my parents’ locked bedroom; leaning against their door. A tear or two accompanying me in my lonely vigil. Why did these invisible monsters not leave me alone?

Every night, Papa would find me huddled on the floor outside his door or staring wide awake at the ceiling in my room. He’d talk to me gently; assuring me there were no monsters; that I was safe. He’d tuck me in all over again and sit down on my bed, talking to me, telling me anything he could think of to make me feel safe. There was one thing he’d repeatedly tell me; When you grow up you won’t be scared at all… of anything. All this fear of yours will go away with your childhood. And I’d look at him wide-eyed, marveling his wisdom and foresight; wondering how far away that wonderful land called ‘grown-up’ is and when the magical thing of not being scared is gonna happen. With these thoughts and with his hand patting my head in a gently rhythmic manner, I’d fall asleep.

Well I’m grown up now and I’m not afraid of the dark anymore. He was right. But I’m not sure what is better; being not afraid of the dark cuz I’m grown-up or being five again and having my father there to protect me from my fears.

Ok long time no see. Is anybody still out there?? Haha..

Ok here’s the story. We move into the new apartment and sign up for digital cable. We get the cable TV channels and we also get a whole bunch of channels that we didn’t sign up for! We get HBO, SHOWTIME, STARZ… the whole enchilada… OnDemand and all….. how exciting!! We know something’s wrong with their wiring (for those of you who don’t know, these channles are called premium channels and each ‘tier’ e.g. HBO contains at least another 5 channels and costs about $25 per tier so we’re getting about 25 free movie channels that would cost us about $100 if we paid for them) but we weren’t gonna complain! So this is really fun; I’m watching every freakin’ movie that ever came out in the past two years! And then…. whoosh! Everything’s gone! Turned out our cable signal was coming from the apartment above us… they decided to move, get their cable canceled and our cable goes away too….. movies n all. We’re thinking, ok we won’t have the movie channels any more ..that’s sad… but we can handle it. Turns out the situtation is much worse…. our apartment has NO cable connection of its own… we can’t have cable until they lay down new wires. Result? No TV or internet for an idefinite amount of time… and hence my absence.

They finally hooked everything up today and gave us all the premier channels free for two months to compensate for the disconnection that lasted about three weeks (that felt more like eternity).

However, two good things came out of this:
1- Of course we got the free channels.
2- I ended up watching Lost from the beginning and discovered my favorite show ever! It’s awesome people, go watch it if you haven’t already!

I hope you weren’t expecting any inspirational consequences along the lines of “I discovered how fulfiilling life is without TV” or something cuz I feel so ashamed to admit that life without TV and internet was absolute hell. It was like I was missing an arm or a leg… thank you God for technology!! I’m so happy to have it all back…. how sad! *sigh*

Among other updates, I found yet another friend. She came over today and we met for the first time. She’s actually from Pakistan and lives here by herself (wow) and I think she supports her family back in Karachi. Anyway, she seemed nice enough even though we didn’t hit it off as well as I did with S (who is visiting her family in Chicago). Nevertheless, I’m happy to have another new friend.

Hey, guess what guys? This new apartment has a built-in kind of microwave so I wanted to sell my old microwave; I put it up on ebay and it sold for a $100! Isn’t that awesome? Even after the fees and all, I get the original price back! Well it wasn’t that old; I only used it for an year but still. I’m so happy to once ‘make’ some money than to spend it! Haha…

Ok something more substantial next time… inshaAllah. Hope you all are good. I missed ya!

I was gonna write a lovely post and then I read Safa’s blog and I’m just so sad for her, I can’t say a thing. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her right now. I admire her courage and valiance so much; my heart just goes out to her and her children. May Allah give her strength and easiness of heart, may He make her pain go away and may He guide her husband to do the right thing. Amen.

It’s official people… she’s wonderful!! We had such a lovely time tonight!! I ended up going to her house with my husband cuz she said hers will be home so I might as well…… and we had chai and a long chat….. we stayed forever and had to literally tear ourselves away! We even made plans to meet tomorrow morning for breakfast!

So what do you guys want me to tell you exactly? Um.. let’s see.. well she’s very chatty and funny and smart and open…… we really had an awesome time and found a lot in common. I have a great feeling about this friendship! AlhamdudLilah…finally!!!!!

Update: Went for a breakfast this morning to this awesome Pakistani restuarant. She’d also invited another friend who I got along with splendidly! So we hung around for forever… just talking and having loads of fun! Afterwards we all went to S’s house again and had chai and chatted for hours!! Haha!! Wow it’s just so awesome to be able to hang out with someone my own age! To not have to think ten times before talking! To just be candid and open! To just have a friend!!
Even the hubby seemed to enjoy himself. He’s usually not big on friends (he doesn’t have any) but he seemed ok with her husband. They seemed to find stuff in common and anyways, I think the hubby was just glad to see me so excited, he wasn’t about to complain!
Now I can’t wait to invite her over! We’re still unpacking – did loads of stuff today so apartment should be ‘visitable’ soon inshaAllah! There…. let me know if you guys want any more details!

I have loads of things to tell you guys but the cable people actually yanked out our cable yesterday by mistake so we don’t have internet for now. I’m currently stealing my unsuspecting neighbor’s WI-FI which could disconnect any time so let me update you quickly and then I’ll come back with the juicy details later… of course you might have to poke me to remind me that I need to tell you the details.. you know what that means people, comments, comments, comments. hahaha!!

Anyways, so TNF (The New Friend) called me and she sounded absolutely lovely!! She’s funny, candid, talkative and smart! And I haven’t even met her yet! How awesome is that? She called me once to invite me to her home for tea (yaay… kindered spirit right there.. tea, I mean), and then called me again just to chat. How awesome is that? Even I would be afraid to appear too desperate and call twice in two days but she did it and I love her for it already! I love people who don’t hold back the good stuff!! So now I’m meeting her on Friday and then again on Saturday for dinner with the hubbies! So expect updates on those later!

Ok as for the other major breakthrough, it seems like the chiropractor will come through for me!! He took some X-rays and turns out (or so he says) that I was getting the headaches cuz I messed up my spine. The neck bone is rod-straight where there is supposed to be a curve so there’s a lot of tension there and thus the headaches. This is so cuz I fell and hit my head a while back. So this guy seems awfully confident that we’ll eliminate the headaches altogether. I’ll tell you more about the treatments later.

Ok that’s it for now! Hopefully I can upload this!

I posted some pictures from my best friend’s wedding (who’s wedding I was lamenting about not being being able to attend) on Sobia’s forum here. You’ll only be able to see them if you’re a senior member there so I’m sorry if you can’t but they’re not mine so I wanted them to be somewhat exclusive.

Oh guys, there’s been a major break-through!! I think I finally found myself a friend!!! I received this email today and it’s like the sun broke through those dreary clouds!!

Hi M,
I saw ur info on m_ and decided to contact you. We are from Pakistan and we live in _ too. I have a 5 yr old son and we would love to meet more Pakistani families. If u would like to hookup call me. Maybe we can meet for a play date.The kids can play at the f_ mall. My number is …

Later,S_

She thought I have a son, I corrected her on that but she still wanted to meet me!! I exchanged a few more emails with her within 10 minutes and now I’m waiting for her to call me!! I have never heard from someone who was as excited to find a friend as I was so this really has the feel of a kindered spirit!! However, I don’t wanna get my hopes up… what if I find I have nothing in common with her? I know I shouldn’t be so picky at this point but that’s the whole problem, I’m terribly picky when it comes to making friends and I can decide in the first meeting if I’m gonna be best friends with someone or not. And if you know me then you know that it’s either do or die.. that is… either I love you and we’ll be BFF or I’ll never see you again. Ta da. I know what you’re thinking; so that’s why she hasn’t been able to find a friend in three years. You bet. There’s a reason why I’m so picky and I’m not about to start compromising now! So pray for S’s fate…. may she be THE ONE!!!!!!

The headaches are not letting up. They’re not even migraines anymore, they’re something else altogether. Someone told me that chiropractor’s can really alleviate the pain so I’ve made an appointment with one – it couldn’t hurt, right?

I also decided to see a therapist/counselor. I decided that it’s not normal for a person to be by herself all day and that there has to be a way to deal with this issue. I mean I’ve already been down that dark road of depression once and I just don’t wanna fall into it again. I can literally feel the tension in my shoulders from holding myself back from plummeting into that abyss. How long can I keep it up without some kind of intervention? And what’s with the vivid, scary dreams every night? This has never happened to me before! There’s gotta be something going on with me at a subconscious level that I’m unaware of. Or perhaps it’s not so subconscious at all.

If you’re reading this, do you think it’s normal for a person to never have any human contact other than the husband? My husband’s family lives a couple of hours away and we see them almost every weekend but I’m emotionally detached from all of them – spending more than a few hours with them requires physical effort because I have to hold myself back, pretend to be this bright, cheerful and happy person that I’m not. I tried being honest with them at one point and let’s just say that I discovered that honesty is definitely not always the best policy. Other than them and some similar relatives, there’s no one I know. No one who knows me. No one who gives a damn about my existence.

I know there are people in this world who have more serious problems than I do. But don’t you think my fear about my mental health is valid? Someone might say that I’m overreacting, that I should be grateful for my blessings and get on with life but what can I do about this loneliness that eats me up all the time? I keep myself busy, I think about other things, I try to be happy but in the end, I can’t shake off this panicky feeling of being terribly alone. It sweeps over me like a shroud at the most unexpected moments and leaves me feeling totally helpless. What wouldn’t I do to see a familiar face in this land of strangers? What wouldn’t I do to look into a pair of loving eyes? What wouldn’t I do to dissolve into some one’s knowing embrace? I’m sick of feeling this way. Sick sick sick!!!

Please don’t give me a lecture about the futility of these thoughts. Isn’t it understood that if I could control them, I would? I’m not a weak person, I have been through a whole lot of crap in my life and have come out the other end with renewed strength and vigor, alhamduLilah. The only thing I’ve always had before and am missing now is some kind of support system. My husband is wonderful but bless his heart, he has no understanding of loneliness or friendship. He’s never had a friend in his life and sees no need for one. He understands that I miss my family but really, what can he do about it? He does what he can but one person can’t make up for a lifetime’s worth of beloved people lost.

So we just moved yesterday, courtesy of which, every limb in my body aches and I still have a couple of things I need to get from the old apartment!

This is the third time we’ve moved since I came to America and I hope it’s the last for a while, inshaAllah. I mean, PEH-PUL..MOVING SUCKS!!!!!

Well actually, it wasn’t so bad. All we did was move from the fourth floor to the first floor. This new apartment is literally that; new. Everything is shimmering new, including the carpet and the floors. The appliances are stainless steele (yipee!!), we have an extra bathroom, lovely paneled doors and a bigger living area. I’m so excited about it! I mean space is always an issue when you’re in an apartment but this one seems like it has lots of storage space so I’m feeling good about that!

I can’t believe that me and hubby did this entire move all by ourselves! AlhamduLilah!! People back in Pakistan would be so incredulous if I told them! I was such a princess back there… when I was small, my mom used to do everything for me and then later we could afford help so I’ve never had to move a finger in my life and now… now I’m just a slave! Haha! No seriously, I never thought I’d be mopping the floors, scrubbing the bathrooms, cleaning raw chicken and whatelsenot. AlhamduLilah! I wouldn’t mind having a maid but I’m proud of myself for learning how to fend for myself and doing a very good job of it! I’m famous in my family for always having a clean house which is a lot more than can be said for the rest of my very Pakistani or American cousins!! haha!! They don’t know what my house looks like when they’re not visiting and they don’t need to know! Haha!! Well it’s never really that messy… I’ll allow it to get a little messy but then I always clean super-clean! Well perhaps super only once in a while, but still!