Back in the day, I used to write poetry. Loads of it. My every notebook had poems jotted down the end. In the classroom, several of my poems were floating around at any given time. Sometimes the classmates would scribble their appreciative thoughts (always appreciative, the dear souls) at the bottom. Other times, someone would come and show me their lover’s* profession of love and to my amusement, I’d find the poem was authored by myself! I would smile and be happy for them. Copyright was never my big things. And yet other times, people would actually come up to me and ask me to right down a passionate love letter or poem to their beloved. I would always oblige. I enjoyed this secret love-writer role that I had been awarded by my kind friends. They let me think I was the poet of all poets and though I never believed them, I indulged them. Perhaps my words found their hearts because I myself was a hopeless romantic, forever fantasising about finding true love and believing firmly in happy endings. Perhaps Shakespear, for all his lofty verses, couldn’t reach these people’s hearts because his expression of love was way beyond their simple teenage-love.

Anyway, I was reminded of all that today when my good friend S asked me to write her a maid of honor speech for her best friend’s wedding. I did write her something but I seriously doubt if it’s any good. I don’t know where she got the notion that I could come up with something better than she could. Perhaps she rememembered a game of Cranium we once played and she discovered my penchant for fancy words. She might find that that was somewhat decieving. Haha.

So I tried to go a step farther and revive my poetry skills for her. I found, however, that I had lost the talent, if indeed, I ever had any. I think this might be due to the fact that when I took some creative writing classes back in 2004, I realised how incredibly trite and superfluous they all were. I was then convinced that I should entirely give up this line of career and seek my bread elsewhere. However, my instructor did give me some useful tips but I found that my personal style of poetry was drastically different from what was required and trying to incorporate it in my ‘natural verse’ gave rise to a hodge podge of something and my poor muse got so sick of trying to mould, that it simply abandoned me.

So I foraged through some of my old stuff to see if I could find something she could read out at her friend’s reception but I couldn’t find anything suitable. Most of the poems were about broken hearts, unrequited love and unfulfilled desire; in other words, your basic teenager love scene… haha. How futile! However, enjoy this blast from the past. Try not to laugh! Oh and another interesting thing, I’ve written, perhaps in all, 400 poems or so and I swear I can recall when, why and where I wrote each of them. I remember the history behind the following one too; clear as day! I won’t bore you with that though, I’ll bore you with the poem instead.

If I Say…
So many words caught in my throat,
A torrent of questions locked in my heart
I know of all the unspoken emotions
How desperately they need to be said; For you, for me, for us…
I know, you wonder; I can read endless fears in yours words
And surprise too as my silence lengthens

But you see,
If I say…
The thoughts that linger inside me
The hopes, the dreams that lay beside me
If I say… How much I need you
How truly, how often I seek you
If I say… I’m defying logic and trusting you,
I’m being foolish and believing you
If I say
All this….
And if I say all that
I just always wonder
What would you say?

It’s a gamble I cannot take
A decision I cannot lightly make….
Would you turn and walk away…?
Or tell me lies and stay…?
Would you give me false hopes…?
And cause me to slip down the ropes…?
Or maybe honest in your heart,
You’ll promise never to part
Only to be broken later
A promise with misunderstood implications…?

Can you see…?
Why I cannot say,
What I want so much to say?
Unleash my emotions
Allow them to run open and free….

If I say…
Then you may not or may….
Tread on my dreams
Then so foolish will I seem If I say…
What I’ve sworn never to say!!!

Just raw emotion? Huh? LOL!!!!!

*Lover simply means someone you love, not lover in the sense you would think here… in Pakistan it’s understood that the term boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t entail physical relationship.

Here.

Thank you everyone, for your kind words in the previous post. Some of my readers emailed me too and believe me, when you feel the way I did when I wrote that post, nothing is better than knowing someone gives a hoot about how you feel. So thank you and I guess, this is why I have a blog. This is why I need this.

Rest here.

The night seems like it will never end. The darkness pans out to every crevice and corner. It’s one of those moments when my pain seems like the worse pain in the universe, when my lonliness seems like the most cruel kind, and though a part of me knows it’s not so, for tonight I don’t want to let that part prevail.

I miss home. More than anything else in the world. I wanna be home. Where Mama is. Where Papa is. Where loving arms await me. Where open hearts adore me – not for what I can or can’t do but for who and what I am. Where people love me every day, not just today because I did something fabulous and not tomorrow becasue I won’t do as they wish. I’m sick of trying to please; trying to second guess. I want to be loved as I am today, tomorrow and the day after. Every day. I don’t want to have to thirst for droplets of kind words that will trickle like melting snow on a cold day. I want to drown myself in a flood of sweet words that come unabashed. I want to lose myself in the warmth of kindly smiles that begin in the eyes. I want to perch atop a magic carpet that will whisk me away to where true, unbridled love awaits me. I want to fly fly away….. away from this ghastly nightmare….

My days are so empty, my soul so listless. I want to be loved. Not just by one person but by all the people who are waiting to shower thier love on me. I don’t want to spend a lifetime depriving myself of their love. It seems so futile… my life…. so dark and lonely.

Well, perhaps, tomorrow is another day. Must bury these dark thoughts that have the audacity to surface beneath the cover of night, must paste the smile back on my face and carry on as if tonight never happened.

If tears were of any worth, my pillow would have sold for millions.

Isn’t there something sweet and magical about the winter’s first snow? When you wake up in the morning, lift the shades and this sight greets you?

Of course, it’s extra magical because you’re all warm and cozy inside with your blazing fire!

Hope you like these! Took them this morning! The snow caught most of us by surprise! It came very early this year. The leaves hadn’t even stopped falling yet and the snow arrived full force! It’s been snowing all day and still hasn’t let up…. most of the people are cursing it, I know but I’m warm and cozy inside and enjoying the view from my windows and now you can enjoy it too! I love it when it snows…. it makes the romantic in me come to life!!!!

Wednesday – While reversing the car, I scraped a pole badly. The driver’s side is now adorned by yellow stripes. It was the husband’s beloved Camry. *Sigh*

Friday – I put an extra fire log in the fireplace (against husband’s warnings) and caused the entire apartment to fill up with smoke. The alaram went off, the neighbors showed up and there was nothing I could do. Eventually, the firemen came too!!! Possibly the most embarassing day of my life. Or perhaps the second most embarrassing.

Sunday – I took the hubby’s keys to check the mailbox. Lost the keys. Didn’t check the mail.

Today – Broke a glass. Tried to clean. Broke the vaccum.

*Sigh*