… after the party. Remind me not to do this again soon. Haha. More later.

When I wrote the last post I realized that I must come across as a very brooding person; someone who’s forever lamenting over her fate. Haha. In truth, I’m not like that at all. If you meet me, I’m a very bright and vibrant person. Some people have even ventured so far as to call me funny. Haha. It’s just that whenever I’m a little blue, the fancy to write comes over me. Or in other words, I’m not so melancholy all the time but I am melancholy all the time I write. I try to write an uplifting post every now and then but it’s hard. LOL!!

Ok here’s some bright news for you; I’ve invited all my friends and cousins to a dinner party later this week. This is my first party with the peers. Usually I invite the family which constitues mainly 50-somethings and not that I have anything against them – wait – I do have everything against them, or at least the ones from my family who reside in the US. They can be somewhat tiresome. To say the least. The same old biatching about the same old people. The same old arguments about why that uncle spent more money than they have and why that auntie didn’t invite so and so to the party. *Sigh*

Anyway, so this time we’re only have the friends and cousins and it should be loads of fun. I’m still finalizing the menu and the truth is that I’m very nervous about the whole thing. I’ve been so lazy lately and haven’t really cooked much in the past two weeks and here I am, making myself responsible for feeding 15 people! Haha! So wish me luck and feel free to drop me suggestions for some fancy appetizers.

Oh and I’m also planning a trip to Cananda, inshaAllah, to see the BFF. The one who got married recently and I couldn’t attend her wedding, rememeber? Well this will be the first time I see her since her wedding and I’m really excited about it! Yay!

I really need a break, you know. It’s very tiring, doing nothing, is. Haha.

Alright, what else? Yeah I’ve been shopping a lot for the family back home. I might be going for a visit soon inshaAllah. Perhaps sometime next month. I was telling my sweetie pie Aunt-from-England this and she’s like, “You have to stay with us on your way…please please please!” Haha. How could I say ‘no’ to that? So now I have to send my passport for the Canadian visa as well as the England one. I hate the paperwork. That’s the only time I wish I had an American passport. LOL!!

Oh and I was looking at my blog counter and it turns out that I have some readers from Maryland. Since I have family there, it makes me a little paranoid. Can whoever it is, please step up and ease my anxiety? I might have to switch completely to a password-protected blog if my worries are not eradicated! Haha.

So how’s that for a bright post, eh? See, I can be a happy person. But I’m a poet at heart. Poets are meant to be sad, that’s how they make a living. Being too happy too long is detrimental to their work. So don’t judge. Haha.

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much but with every thing going on in Pakistan, the heart is heavy and the mind isn’t strong enough to undertake the task of delivering the heart’s weight. I think some people do a good job of expressing their views and feelings about the situation in Pakistan but I honestly don’t think I’m in a position to do so. At times like these, I just feel like someone selfish like myself who has abandoned her country shouldn’t sit on her high horse and pass judgement on the incompetency of people running the country or the irrationality of people living in the aftermath of all the tragic events.

This is solely how I choose to view the situation; I’m not saying every expatriate should feel this way and therefore no one should be compelled to explain why they felt the need to express their opinions.

Anyways, having said that, I really feel like I’ve somehow cheated my country. Sitting here, oceans away from all the unfolding tragedies, I honestly don’t feel like I have a right to express an opinion about what people should or shouldn’t do in Pakistan. I talk to my family quite often and they’re full of patience and resilience, insisting that this will pass, that every country and especially one as young as Pakistan, goes through many upheavals before settling down and progressing. Papa tells me not to be upset, to not worry about them, that they’ll be fine. I’ve never once heard them express hopelessness as I have heard people do so here; I don’t know, something about my family’s optimism and faith makes me lift my head with pride.

I’ve sat here so often, among people, who shake their heads ruefully over the ’situation’ in Pakistan, a subtle smugness in their tone, as if to say, “How wise we were to get away when we did,” and yet I talk to my parents, my brothers, my uncles, my friends and they stand tall in the face of the calamity, never ashamed, never afraid, always hopeful, always striving, doing what they can to help their people.

How come I don’t feel smug that I ‘escaped’? How come I feel that I should be in Pakistan, now, of all times? How come I get annoyed when I tell someone I might be visiting Pakistan some time soon and they ask me warily, “Are you sure it’s safe?”!!!!! How do you mean, ‘is it safe’? What about the millions of people who’re living in Pakistan now? Are they safe? What consequence is my safety in the bigger scheme of things? If I can go there and do something for the people in my country, or lend support to my family or donate my time and money to the people, why then should I choose to sit here and be satisfied with mere head-shakes and commentary? What right do I have to lay blame on anyone for not doing things right when I’m sitting here, doing absolutely nothing?

I don’t know why but to me my identity is something precious. To have a place that calls me it’s own and a place too that is wrought with glorious sacrifices, that’s just monumental. Pakistan is the most beautiful place on earth to me and it will always remain so – it is for that country that I belong somewhere, it is for that country that I have a rich heritage. Come what may, I will never stop hoping for the best and praying that I’m somehow able to return one day and give Pakistan something back – a fragment of everything it gave me.

I’m sure a lot of people will say, “Well we don’t want the identity Pakistan gives us” or “What has Pakistan given us except humiliation and corruption” but from where I’m standing, Pakistan is not the only country in the world to have these kinds of problems. And let’s not forget that it isn’t walls and boundaries that make a country, it’s the people. How can someone even complain about a country that they up and left for a “better life”?

Somehow, at times like these, John F. Kennedy’s words reverberate in my mind with extreme clarity, “…ask not what your country can do for you — ask what can you do for your country.”

I ask myself, why did such a wise and revered man say such a thing? This whole patriotism thing must have something in it. Perhaps everything I say and feel about my country, perhaps it isn’t so crazy after all.

Ever since I can remember, my father, a retired Air Force officer, has instilled a sense of loyality and love in me for my country. Perhaps it is that, the fact that I grew up watching my father don a uniform everyday that represented him as a defender of his homeland, which makes my heart ache for the country I left or perhaps it’s watching my father’s best friend, and my best friend’s father die in that same uniform. Or perhaps, it’s just me.

Aankhon Ko Ho Sakay To Zara Ashkbaar Rakh (Keep your eyes, if possible, flowing with tears)
Paiwastah Rah Shajar Se Ummeed-E-Bahar Rakh (Stay enjoined to the tree, keep hope for the Spring)

(Iqbal)