So I had this one friend who somehow found out that I liked Steve. Now she was a different brand altogether.. she changed boyfriends like socks and had no complicated scruples like yours truly. If she liked a guy, she went after him. So when she found out I liked someone, she took it upon herself to “set me up”. I tried telling her many times that I had no interest in pursuing a relationship. I was happy to just admire from afar. But one day, she actually called the guy and told him ” a friend” of hers likes him. He responded by saying she should meet him with the “friend” at so an so place at so and so time.

When my friend came to me, all excited and stuff, and told me she’d “set me up”.. I was absolutely mortified. I was SO mad at her for doing such an “outrageous” thing! In my conscientious mind, this was sacrilege!! How dare she take my secret, cherished feelings and make them public? How dare she actually communicate my pure “love” to the object of desire and mar it so? This longing was to be merely celebrated in the safe realms of my heart! By speaking it aloud and trying to turn it into an “illicit relationship”, she killed it’s very core… she ruined it… and I was so so upset! And she on her part was upset because instead of appreciating her efforts, I shunned them. She vowed to cancel her efforts immediately and undo what she’d done! I had no idea what this entailed but it sounded ominous! I suddenly felt scared! What was she gonna do??

This drama unfolded while we were out, on one of our walks. At this point, Steve happend to be walking right towards us and I felt dread creep up on me. Something awful was about to happen. He looked right at me. I wondered if he knew I was the ”friend” who liked him? I felt sure my bright red cheeks and downcast eyes told their own tale. And my shock and mortification only doubled when I realized my friend was about to act right away! Right there!! While he stood before me!! To my complete panic, she chose that very moment, that very spot to walk right up to him and say,

“Steve, I’m sorry about what we talked about earlier. Apparently my friend is a complete fool and would rather pine away silently than admit she likes you!!!!!!!!”

OMG!!!!!! I could have died at that moment and let the earth swallow me!! You think he suspected she was talking about me? Geez! He just sort of shrugged and muttered something like,

“Good for her..” and at that time it sounded cold and indifferent to me but in retrospect, I decided it definitely had an element of “grapes are sour”. I figured he was obviously a little embarressed himself. After all, he had agreed to meet this “friend”, right? And then the “friend” didn’t wanna meet him. So who looked like the real loser? I suddenly felt a little big. Haha.

I recovered from this incident in a few days and was able to move on. However, my feelings of “bigness” went away fast. I went back to my secret adoration but felt more than ever like a wall-flower. How come he hadn’t made more of an effort to get to me? Now he knew for a fact that I liked him… did he really not care? Etc. etc. I was consumed with the usual internal scuffle of a teenager in love. What can I say; it was pretty pathetic.

At this point I have to digress a little and tell you about Dina. Yes, Dina; The-Girl-Who-Kissed-A-Boy!

One fine school morning, she emerged as the single most scandulous girl in the entire school, no, entire, complex, no, entire world for as far as we were concerned! The entire school was abuzz with her story from the night before. She had been caught making out (read “worst possible sin”) with a boy in a deserted part of a building nearby! We couldn’t stop talking about her and her “boyfriend”! What were they doing exactly? The details were hazy but the rough story was that she was reported missing to the authorities. Her father had formed a search team with the PAF Police and were scouring the complex for her. They eventually happened upon her and her boyfriend in a “compromising position”. The father was quoted as having stated in distress and shame, “Where did I go wrong?” whereupon he grabbed her and dragged her home whilst uttering the afore-mentioned statement over and over again. Tsk tsk. Poor father. He’d been put to shame by his daughter. How will they ever live this down? From then on, she was no longer Dina, she was The-Girl-Who-Kissed-A-Boy!!

Dina wasn’t seen or heard of for the rest of the school year. This apt disappearence made her even more of a “legend”. When she eventually resurfaced the next year, all were curious to lay eyes on this girl who had done the unthinkable! She was persona non grata. At all times, she could be seen wandering the school alone. No one wanted to be seen with her. But all wanted to see her. I must admit I felt a little sorry for her and at the same time, I was fascinated with her. What kind of creature was she? Had she really kissed a boy? What had she done while out of school? etc. etc. So one morning when I was walking to school alone and saw her doing likewise, I couldn’t resist the urge to join her. By this time, the stir she’d caused had died down a little and hopefully, my reputation would survive being seen with her!

So we walked to school together. I didn’t dare ask her anything. I was just awed to be walking beside The-Girl-Who-Kissed-A-Boy!! I noticed how she looked sort of disappointingly normal. I wasn’t sure what The-Girl-Who-Kissed-A-Boy is supposed to look like but still…… So as she and I walked together, I asked her if she knew Steve, since he actually lived in the same building as her. She nodded and said,

“Sure.. we’ve been out a few times..!!!!!!!!!”

OUT???!!!!!! WITH A BOY??????!!!!! AND STEVE?????????? I felt the earth slipping from beneath my feet.. my voice barely audible, I said,

“You mean, like friends?”

She shook her head, “Oh no! He asked me out.. so I said yes.. we had a good time..”

I tried to fight down the nausea that rose in my throat. Steve asked The-Girl-Who-Kissed-A-Boy out????? The outcast and Steve? My secret love? My pure angel? Did someone yank out the floor from under me or am I plunging headlong into a bottomless abyss?

I tried to focus, “So what about.. er.. the guy.. you were with before?”

“Oh you mean Saif?”

Yes, Saif, the boy you shamed your whole family for, rememeber? I wanted to say. 

“Oh yeah, he and I still hang out.. it’s not like Steve and I are exclusive or anything…  he has a bunch of other girlfriends too.. I’m cool with that.”

BUNCH.OF.OTHER.GIRLFRIENDS??????????? Who are these people and where am I? What world is this? Where have I been living?????

“H-how..d-do you know that?” I stammered.

“What?”, she sounded incredulous, “Everyone knows that about Steve! A hot guy like him… All the girls are after him and so he sees them all. I’m cool with that.”

I could hear the shattering going on inside but I plowed ahead mercilessly,

“So you’re saying he actually makes girlfriends.. and in plural?”

She turned to look at me as if I suddenly grew two heads, “What’s your problem? You wanna go out with him too?” then without waiting for my answer, she added casually, ”Just ask him, he’ll probably take you too, he’s certainly done worst than you before.”

I remember feeling completely naive and stupid at that time but I don’t remember more than that. I have no recollection beyond this point in our conversation. I musta been pretty crushed! I do vaguely remember though, going home and throwing some pillows around in a fit of rage. (Wouldn’t do to throw actual objects… too much mess!)

I later found out that he’d also asked another one of my friends out. According to her, all you had to do was smile at him and he’d ask you out. Did I also mention that he asked my maid out? To be fair to him, she was actually much prettier than your average desi maid.

Believe it or not, this story actually has closure. That’s next.

It seems like another lifetime when I think about it. But some memories are addictive; you find yourself reaching for them to gain some strange euophoria. Though when I think of him, I realize there was nothing particularly euophoric about the entire experience. It was in fact, if anything, mostly unpleasent. Yet I like thinking about him, well not so much him, as what his presence entailed in my life. And fortunately, in your mind’s eye, recollecting the happenings of an entire year or so are only a matter of a few quick flashes. Let me see how many words it takes to pen down those flashes…

He was certainly the single most good-looking human being I had come acorss and after more than ten years, I still think he was one of the finer-looking samples of the male species. The first time I laid eyes on him, I thought I was witnessing a mirage. For how could someone so absolutely gorgeous-looking just stand there and not create havoc? It might sound terribly rediculous when I recall it right now but seriously, there was something about him. And as you will soon discover, I was not the only one who maintained this opinion.

Hair parted in the middle was all the rage at that time and on him, it suited to perfection. He had rather small, beady eyes that seemed to dance with mischief and glint with mystery all at the same time. When he looked at you, you had the very pleasent illusion that he saw only you. This was odd because I usually caught him looking at me from far distances and yet, he managed to convey this very flattering feeling. He walked with a swagger that comes only with the kind of confidence someone like him can possess. If you want to create a mental picture of him… I can help you a little bit; I used to be a fan of this boy band called Boyzone and one band member looked a lot like this guy. Except this guy possessed that alluring element of mystery and hotness that the band member does not. Haha. And instead of calling him “this guy”, let’s call him Stephen/Steve (that was the band member’s name.. haha)!!

So he was in my college, a couple of years senior than me. I was perhaps, 16? Ok I know it sounds like I was way little but hey, I felt pretty old – I was a teen!! Haha! So anyway, boyfriends etc. were way off limits; I was a “good girl” and firmly believed that revealing my crush to anyone was a mortal shame. Good girls didn’t talk to boys or even admit they liked one so I nursed my crush silently. In my head, I was having an “affair” with him anyways and mind you, “affair” merely meant I liked him and he liked me and we were together etc. but for all this time, we never even talked.

It just meant the world to me to be able to check him out every day. If I couldn’t spot him any day, I’d have a miserable day. And if I managed to catch sight of him after searching all day, my sun suddenly shone and I was on top of the world. He also lived close to my house and as I’ve mentioned before, my dad was in the PAF so we lived in the complex. In the evenings, it was normal for all the “kids” to be out and about… I used to go strolling with my friends. I couldn’t wait for the evenings when I could wear my nicest outfit, go out and seek my crush. He used to be either playing cricket with his friends or strolling around too. I was sure that he liked me back. He always looked at me and noticed me. One time I caught him staring at me. Literally staring unabashedly! I went red all over and asked my friend if I was mistaken about “that” guy staring at me. She assured me I was not and wondered why he looked at me so. She followed that by commenting on his extreme good looks. I shrugged, outwardly nonchalant, inwardly my heart singing with utter joy! My friend further went on to tell me his name (yes, I hadn’t known it yet and how could I?) and that he was quite popular for his good looks. Then she sighed and said, “Looks like he likes you…!!” I was sure that day that he did indeed like me but was just as shy as I was. The truth was that no matter how much I liked him, I was not gonna do anything about it at all. I had no courage whatsoever and I’d been taught to avoid boys like the plague. I could never ever defy my parents and take such a bold step as actually talk to a boy!

So my silent pining continued. I was so convinced I was in love. It hurt so badly the days I didn’t see him. And then there was the time he completely disappeared. It was summer and the school was off so the only time I got to see him was in the evenings, outside. To my utter misery, I did not see him for weeks! I finally confided in a friend of mine who knew someone who knew him and it was discovered that he’d gone out of town to visit with his cousins. There was no information regarding his return and I spent every day praying it would be the day I saw him. The days were dreary and empty. Life lost all meaning. I had nothing to live by but the memory of those piercing black eyes gazing unflinchingly at me and the hope that they would return.

They finally did, with their possessor and I vaguely recally jumping for joy when I saw him. A terribly shameful reaction, in retrospect. Anyway, at this point I had begun to doubt his feelings for me. How could he just leave for such a long time? I was suddenly very insecure and began to think he probably didn’t even know I existed. After all, he was such an attractive guy and I was a nobody. (At this point, I’d like to add that I was very naive and humble-minded; in point of fact, I was probably at least as good-looking as him back then!! haha) 

So this story appears to be becoming longer than I’d anticipated. I guess I’ll have to finish it at another time!

To be continued…